How do you know when to throw in the towel?

How do you know when it's time to throw in the towel and settle for the alternatives?

I'm 35 years old, divorced and single. Sure I get asked out quite a bit but by men I have absolutely no interest in. I've spent almost 3 years sticking by someone in hopes of it going somewhere real. Especially now that mostly all of the baggage he started out with is gone. But who are we kidding here? That's not going to change regardless. The only other person that I actually considered abandoning Mr. 3 Years for is in another state and just as unattainable as Mr. 3.

A friend's husband and also a good friend put in black and white for me one day. Men my age want younger women. A woman my age is considered used, jaded, bitter and/or broken. As I'm sitting here reading an article in a men's magazine, I come across the same idea in print "older men go for younger women" – Maxim Magazine. So what does that mean for me? Am I shit out of luck?

Yes, I can admit that I am somewhat jaded and broken. But if we're the same age and both at the same stage, why is ok for him to be jaded and not me? Upon the beginning of what I believed to be a relationship with Mr. 3, he asks me "So what's wrong with you?" Apparently all the women he'd come across were messed up in some way. What the fuck?! Like he wasn't or still isn't fucked up in the head. So what? You prefer a woman that's more ignorant than you so that you have less to deal with and you're smarter than her? Does experience intimidate you? Are you not man enough to handle it?

I JUST asked a co-worker who is close to my age, maybe a couple of years older, the ages between himself and his second wife. She was 25 and he was 34 yrs old when they married, which pretty much backs up this whole theory.

I can hear my friend Barbara saying "you just need to find someone whose baggage matches yours". Well the guys whose baggage matches mine want the girls with little to no baggage at all. I'm beginning to think that it is not going to happen. Sure I have plenty of people saying oh but you're still young and you never know but THEY are in serious relationship and/or married. And if they don't have kids already, they're close to it. I can't really heed that advice from someone who's nowhere near my position.

The dating scene SUCKS. It seems that the only option now is to meet people online and I'm so over that. There aint shit online. The only other person that I do know that's more or less in the same boat is my boss at work who's somewhere near 50, has been married and divorced and her son is getting married. To her, you're better off alone with a fuck buddy or two on the side.

My very close gay male friend approached me the other day about the topic of kids. Unfortunately, he may be in a worse position because of his orientation. And we just might be each other's only alternative.

Now, I strongly believe that in order to have kids there should be a mother and a father. I also believe that you should be financially stable. I grew up pretty much poor and having to miss out on a lot. And I wouldn't want my kids to go through what I went through. My friend tells me that at the age we are now, our parents had us. That they were poor but they managed and we turned out OK. Granted, it is a valid argument. But first of all I never believed in just getting by (which is why I am not in debt up to my ears) and If I threw in the towel now and got pregnant because I didn't think anyone else would make the offer outside of my friend, then that would mean that my chances of finding a real relationship would practically cease to exist.

I told him that if I could not have it the way I wanted (mommy, daddy, true love & stability) that I'd have to concede to not having any kids at all. If it should happen by accident, then that's a different story. I do not believe in abortion under any circumstances. Usually in my mind I think that I'm not ready to give up on that dream. But after reading those words in the magazine confirming what Mr. Friends Husband said, maybe I should yield.

Just as I was getting off the pill and on the verge of taking that step into getting pregnant, I got out of my marriage because I refused to settle for less than what I thought I deserved. And that was a chance at being in a real relationship and having children with someone who I really loved.

But I'm not getting any younger. Mr. 3 already has a teenage son so what does he care? Not that he really has any intentions of anything real with me anyway. My closest friends are a gay man and married woman. So what are my options? Be a cat lady or agree to an alternative arrangement?


(Update: 3/9/2010 currently engaged to the love of my life. This is no longer an issue. This site will not let me correct the sequence. Hence the dates)