Remember that! I don't care who you are and how important you think you are. Don't piss off the receptionist because you're just screwing yourself by doing that. No I don't have to connect you to my supervisor. That's my whole purpose for being here, so that those more important don't have to deal with you. I am the gate keeper and you will NOT get by me. A Natzi in the world of communications. I'm a bitch because I've been given license by my superiors to do so. Don't try to be slick, don't try to dismiss me and do not get huffy with me. I will do my best to help you but if you get cocky, you better get hip to click bitch because your luck just ran out. My job is to screen calls and keep the bull shit out. I know you think your call is important but let me assure you that it isn't. Just in case you didn't know, here are the 2 categories that you fall into:
The calls that get through:
You know the magic words. You know exactly who or what to ask for because I talk to you almost every day and most times you know my name and I know yours.
The calls don't get through and I'd swear they follow a script:
"Can I speak to the person in charge of… " Ok the rest of a sentence is waste of time. Just with the utterance of those first 9 words, the rest of the sentence sounds like the teachers in a Peanuts cartoon. Wa wa wa wa wa.
"Hi I'm bla bla bla can you read me the model number on your copier…" No I'm not interested. My copier guys name is Scott and I usually call him when we need something and I don't have to give him ANY numbers. If you were my copy people, you'd know that.
"Hi, I'm x,y & z from At&t and we're calling to let you know that something about your internet service….." no thank you and they keep talking… "I'm not interested…" and they keep talking and won't shut up and you're already said the magic words that by common law is suppose to be enough for them to go away.. "We're not interested" but that doesn't seem to work anymore… bla bla bla yak yak yak… so your only option is to hang up. This goes for the magazines that just want to verify your address so that they can send you some magazines for free. No I'm not interested.. yap yap yap… click.
"I'd like to talk to the person who makes the decisions in regards to…." We're not interested…" do you make the decisions bla bla bla…" Honey as far as your concerned, yes I am and thats all you need to know buh bye!
"Can I speak to the owner" … the owner lives in Canada buddy and comes here once a month. And even if he was here, He wouldn't speak to you anyway. Don't insist that you have be told by the President himself because you will never get that satisfaction.
And if you're calling for the President, I know ALL his incoming calls by name otherwise he gives me a heads up. So don't say he's expecting my call because we both know that's bull shit. And don't say he knows what it's about because he gets 200 calls a day and cannot be expected to remember what everything is about. And that's usually the first give away that you're full of shit. If I tell him that you said that he'll just laugh and I'll in turn laugh at you and get rid of you. You're not fooling anyone.
When I ask you who's calling and you give me one name. You've got to be retarded to think that you're gonna get away with that. … Who's calling? Tom… um ok Tom Who? Tom Thumb… ok Tom Thumb From? Miami… ok dumb-ass you just keep sinking yourself deeper and deeper. My finger is already on the button to hang up. Can I ask what the nature of your call is? Now here are the usual dumb ass answers…. "New business, new acquisitions, we want to introduce ourselves, a business opportunity" XXXX wrong answer. If we need something we'll go looking for it. You're not gonna convince me that your new junk is worth anyone here stopping for half a minute of their already hectic day to hear you ramble on about your fabulous shit. Hun the way we work around here is if we don't already deal with you… your shit out of luck. We don't care if you're trying to sweet talk us with words like "but aren't you interested in saving money?" No we're not. Go away. And don't think that just because you cant get through on the phone, Showing up in person is gonna get you any better results. Dumb ass!
"I'm looking for a position as a..." here's a tip. Leave ONE message. If they don't call you back, it's not because I didn't give them your message. It's simply because of the fact that they have absolutely no intention of returning your call. You can leave your message a million times and each time they will glance at if for half a millisecond, then crumble it up and throw it away. I know you want to follow up and be professional. All your being is annoying. Catch a hint buddy. You're not getting hired. You just want to know what the qualifications are? Qualification number 1… Don't annoy me. The people doing the hiring tell me that if you annoy me or are a pain the ass to me.. you're history. Thank you.
And as for the fraternal Order of Police… once you donate.. you're fucked for life. "Can't you donate even $5 dollars?" … if I had $5.. its to feed my hungry ass so I don't die of starvation. How about you give ME some charity and help me with my bills while I drown in high gas and groceries prices. Your sob story aint any more sorrier than mine I guarantee it.
And if you have the balls to use the phone to do your business, try to speak as to allow another human being the chance of understanding what you're mumbling about. What is it with all these people who insist that speaking like an idiot is acceptable and professional? You obviously weren't paying attention in English class and you're more than likely doing cold call phone sales because you got your GED and didn't even finish high school therefore not being able to get a better job. And if you're doing it because you actually like doing it, then I do my job because I LOVE turning you down. It creams my Twinkie. Bring it on.
When giving me a message. Don't give me your whole life's story. I don't care and I'm not going to convey all that baloney. All I want is your name and your number. That's it. I will not be responsible for messing up any information by playing monkey in the middle. Ever heard of the game telephone? Where you line up 10 people and tell the first person something and it goes on down the line and the last person ends up with something completely different? Uh uh… tell them yourself when or if you speak to them. I have 10 lines lighting up. Keep it short and simple.
I might only be a receptionist to you and you may think that I am the lowest common denominator but in my world you NEED me making me higher that you for that minute. Keep these things in mind and we'll save each other a lot of trouble. Ok? Ok! Buh bye!
(Disclaimer: the previously mentioned statements are not what I actually say. It's what I'm thinking.)
After posting this on Yahoo Shine, it received quite a bit of kudos, laughs & suggestions from many other receptionists. It's easier just to say no-one's available and take a message you'll never pass on. ONE Sales idiot had the balls to criticize me & throw out how much more money he makes and he got torn to pieces by other receptionists that only pointed out how money wasn't the point and only backed up my story.
